I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
classic mixup
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?