The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
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7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
This is the one
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.