Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
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When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone