Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Oh yeah that’s it
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Breaking news:
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
💻🤡