Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
some cats are just doing for fun!
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.