Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
car not found
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
12653.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.