Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
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Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Boating season is upon us.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms