[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.