I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I feel seen.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
#Caturday
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
The old gods are rising again.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.