I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
bought wrong eggs