Butt weight. There’s more!
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
This is my emotional support knife.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Was it something I said?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.