Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
You Might Also Like
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.