Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Yes
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.