The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV