Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later