If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.