If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
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“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?