Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me checking my bank balance online.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle