[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
What do you hear?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.