cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
where do you see yourself in five years?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.