There’s always that one guy
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.