This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
bias laundering edition
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.