angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper