Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.