them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
You Might Also Like
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
OKAY DAD
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now