My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
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North and South
whatcha thinkin bout
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.