I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
OMG 🤣🤣
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
me, too, girl. me, too.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
New menu item
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.