#oldknees
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Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)