Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus