Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
rise and shine we got egg
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Pigeon open mic night.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.