So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[at the general store]
me: one general please
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here