Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I need to get some bricks…
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.