[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
this is funnier than any friends episode
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.