I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
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My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Noah