I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101