[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
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stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth