You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The best shot in the history of golf
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal