them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Stop sending me this shit.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.