Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Are you dating a bunch of bees?