HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You Might Also Like
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Can. I. Help. You.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD