Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.