Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”