her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off