My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
the Monday after daylight savings
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.