Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
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Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…