Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
there’s probably a fee though
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.