At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.