I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
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Always 🥴
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point