I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
how long have you had this for?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Ovenable?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us