Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that